We need to discuss something important

and that something is hugging

This newsletter has covered some essential topics: a return to gardening, my canceled moose curse, the White People Do Better Horse Race, and somehow, a whole lot of posts about the importance of disconnecting and resting, an activity I am apparently obsessing over.¹

But now, it’s time to discuss something truly important, something everyone needs to hear about and consider their role in: hugging.

There are two kinds of people in this world: huggers and non-huggers. Actually, there are three kinds of people in this world: full-frontal huggers, side-huggers, and non-huggers. Okay, four: full-frontal, side-, non-, and verbal DO NOT HUG ME non-huggers. Let us explore.

The full-frontal hugger will often declare, “I am a hugger!” and proceed to embrace anyone in the vicinity.² This person may hug strangers, brand-new acquaintances, and certainly friends. In fact, met with a non-hugger who has made their wishes clear, she will often say, “I’m going to hug you anyway!” I can’t really tell you how many people have done this to me, even³ when they know I prefer not to be hugged. It happens a lot. And I usually let them hug me, because I don’t want to make them feel bad. And that’s messed up, since they are deliberately going against my wishes in order to do what they want. But this is a messed-up world, and anyway I can usually handle the guaranteed awkward moment better than they can. After all, I’ve been force-hugged all my life.

Frontal hugging calls to mind its various forms, worth taking time to review.⁴ There’s the clavicle-to-clavicle, butt-out posture where a light double-tap on the shoulder blades concludes the hug. It’s the hug version of the Euro-style double-kiss, airy and swift. Then, there’s a tighter upper torso embrace, often characterized by an elbows-out squeeze grip, mercifully brief. Last, full-body contact from collarbone to knee, sometimes with chins draped over shoulders, eyes closed, arms wrapped around the back. It’s a slow-dance hug, and it is a ghastly experience for a non-hugger.

The side-hugger is actually a non-hugger in disguise. He is saying, “I don’t really want to hug you, but in order to not make you feel bad I will just give you a little one-arm shoulder squeeze that doesn’t mean much and will be quick.” The side-hugger plays the edges of acceptability without making a big deal out of their preference to not hug a person. A side-hug is a socially acceptable alternative to a flung-out frontal hug or no hug. It’s a compromise. A consummate side-hugger can avoid unwanted contact by hip-checking a full-frontal hugger into lateral position for the side shoulder squeeze. I approve of this masterful maneuver.

A non-hugger is pretty clearly that: don’t hug me, especially if I don’t know you. So many reasons for not wanting to hug someone! Consider:

• once in the embrace, you cannot control the length or strength of the embrace. Awkward to disentangle. Better to avoid situation altogether.

• tall person-short person hugging is physically uncomfortable, as is boob-to-boob. #nope

• you just barely met this person. The last time you touched, 30 minutes ago, it was a light pleased-to-meet-you handshake. And now full-body contact already? It just seems so…inappropriate!

• lots of people feel it’s one of those icky moments à la #MeToo…even WaPo wrote about it⁵.

• clothing, sweat, body odor.

• COVID.

Often, however, the non-hugger is unwilling to state her wishes. It’s hard to verbalize something most people cannot or will not understand, and often easier to just let them do as they please. It only lasts 1-5 seconds,⁶ anyway.

The verbal non-hugger lets everyone know their wishes, in advance, to avoid any kind of fraught moment where a hugger goes in for the embrace and their opponent stiff-arms them. You’ve seen the meme. Verbal non-huggers are rare, because it’s hard to find people who willingly, deliberately go against the social grain and tell you about it, out loud, ahead of time.

Grace Slick is a verbal non-hugger. She’s saying “Don’t hug me!” In actual fact this was a day it rained hard, and I provided her with the weather forecast but she ignored me and spent the morning outside. Mad. Natural consequences, cat.

I do want to state for the record that I am not 100% a non-hugger. I don’t mind hugs with family and good friends, particularly before or after a lengthy absence.⁷ And my kids are an exception. I’ll hug them whenever.

Somewhere along the line though, I became known as a non-hugger, and it seemed easier to let people think that, than to have those moments of ”Well, you’re a Tier 2 friend, so no hug for you.” Or “We just saw each other last week! Do we really need to hug it out again?” Just give me the fist bump. It’s easier.

Navigating this world with all the politics and body language and required handshakes/smalltalk in addition to adulting at the bank and getting your tires rotated and attending parent-teacher conferences and dealing with your inbox…isn’t it enough? Do we have to add unwanted hugging to the list of odious activities? It feels very unfair to have to hug someone, full body embrace, sweaty back and all, when you don’t want to … just to save their feelings.

My serious point here is that somehow, people who like to hug have attained the moral high ground. You’re considered unfriendly, or inappropriate, or antisocial, if you don’t want to hug someone. The non-hugger is vilified, particularly in the face of an aggressive hugger. I’ve made light of this but it’s a real concern. If you are a hugger, please consider that you might be making other people uncomfortable when you come at them with all your limbs extended.

Because I am who I am, I looked up the etymology of this word, and the internet told me it’s Norwegian: hugga means “comfort, console.” Well, fine. You can comfort and console me, but let’s do it over a plate of peanut butter brownies or on a nice walk through the woods. Your tentacles do not need to be involved.

1. Irony or fate? You decide.

2. whether they want to be hugged…or not

3. especially?

4. These are primarily “female” hugs, though there may be some crossover in that hugs can be non-binary. I’ve no doubt there are “male” hug styles that I’m not aware of.

5. paywalls are a thing. I can get you the article if you really want to read it.

6. 5 seconds pressed up against someone feels interminable

7. And I can tell you if I will hug you! “I’ll hug you” is the phrase I use. It’s pretty clear.